Well I’m back

After a long break from blogging I have decided to return due to poor mental health recently. Im currently hypomanic and taking Abilify 30mg, Lamictal 300mg, Nitrazepam 5mg and Phenergan 25mg. I’m seeing my pdoc tomorrow for a review and to try and get this mood down a little bit.

Just a short post.

Will have more to write about tomorrow.

Take Care

Liam

Managing a normal life with bipolar disorder

So now I’m back on the road to recovery, all of those things that happen in a normal day to day life are starting to occur increasingly more. With this i ask myself the question, should bipolar get in the way of a normal life or is it that one must adapt in order to fulfil one’s responsibilities?

Still taking sickness leave from work, I gave been thrown back into the sink or swim environment of university education. I am undertaking a law degree and I’m in my second year. I spent the summer focusing on myself, getting better and getting my life back on track. Sine starting uni, i have noticed I’m my last priority, what with the workload and social responsibilities. I Also have my employers wanting to ‘make me better’ by scheduling arrangements to discuss my return to work. They have already requested psychiatrist notes, GP notes and they get my sick note every month sickeningly stating Bipolar Affective disorder.

All of these responsibilities are starting to make me doubt myself. Am i well enough to cope with all of the above? Is the fact that i am coping in some way an indication that I shouldn’t be off work, i should be in uni every day. Does my employer have is right to ask me to explain myself at every meeting?

The problem with bipolar is that it’s an unseen illness. Were both my legs in casts and I was in a wheelchair, establishments would be more than cooperative In meeting my needs, but with it all being in my head and unseen i feel i am being judged and doubted. Is this fair? Is it just me?

Only I can ascertain my capabilities at the moment i guess and people need to accept that. I am doing fantastically well in comparison to where i was. I just need to limit draw backs and try and get on with my life.

Hopefully I’ll find an effective coping strategy.
Hopefully what seems like a mountain now will eventually be taken in my stride.

Back to School

Well it’s 5:29am and I’m not able to sleep. Normally I’d freak out but now I just go with it. The pills are doing their job and i’ve never been much of a sleeper anyway. Perfect time to write a blog post (considering how i’ve neglected it A LOT of late.)

Back to university on monday, got my timetable though and it’s not as hectic as I anticipated. Plenty of time for the CPN appointments, social worker appointments and CBT (which i start in october.)

I’m still extremely well. To the point last week when I decided I didn’t have bipolar, put everything down to a bad situation / breakdown and came off my pills for a day. This sent me extremely hypomanic and in the end I gave in and went back on the meds. Nothing too bad, just a louder, more lively reminiscence of my more ill self of the past. Enough to shock me back into taking meds. Couple of down days when i went back on them but again, my own fault.

I now know my true self:
-I’m a little boring.
-Quite nerdy.
-Impulsive (without bipolar)
-Not actually that bad to be around
-Can adapt to pretty much any social situation without being manic.

On a whim I text my old friends a few weeks ago and started going out with them before they left for uni. They’re only up the road and i’ve already started planning to go up next week for another night out, can’t wait. I’ve started talking to one person in particular who I ran into 2 years ago mid mania. Apparently we were friends for a few months, feels like a day, and I hardly remember any of it, he remembered me as a bit (LOT) of an asshole (which i really was, treated him like shit). But I explained in some kinda hashed up way what the craic with that was and we’re kinda getting to know each other again. It’s awesome.

I’m supposed to be in Hull at the moment visiting friends down there but thanks to chlorpromazine and an open window, I’ve been suffering mild hypothermia for the past 2 days and I need to make sure I’m fit to go back to uni. Partying, although extremely fun, isn’t the best way to look after yourself.

Anyway, that’ll be my lot for now. Fingers crossed the mood stays stable and things continue getting better =)

L

x

Stability

I seem to have finally reached it. I’m over J, back in contact with all my old friends, even went for a night out last Wednesday and off on another one tonight. New meds:
Seroquel 200mg daily
Thorazine 75mg daily
Lamotrigine 50mg daily
Phenergan 50mg daily
Zopiclone 7.5 daily

Shit i know but it’s working. Can’t complain.

L

Uproar In My town re: Crisis Team Efficacy

Having had many a run in with the guys down at our local nut house’s crisis team, this article sparked some interest.

Heres the article:

Probe into crisis helpline advice.
16 August 2010
By Richard Mennear

AN investigation has been launched into claims that a suicidal patient who called a mental health crisis helpline over a weekend was asked: “Can’t it wait until Monday?”
Another patient was supposedly advised to have a “couple of cans” and wear some earplugs to avoid listening to a noisy neighbour when they called the Crisis Resolution Action Team in Hartlepool.

The 24-hour-a-day NHS scheme is designed to help patients at risk of serious harm or suicide.

The claims came to light after an inquiry by Hartlepool LINk, which supports the involvement of people in the scrutiny of local health services, and Hartlepool Mind.

The report featured interviews with a number of mental health patients who had called the crisis team out of hours.

It concluded that while there had been serious complaints in the past, the service has now improved.

Talks have been held with the Tees, Esk and Wear Valley NHS Trust, which provides mental health services across a large area of North East England, as a result of the report, which has been circulated to the Care Quality Commission, NHS North East, Hartlepool Borough Council and NHS Hartlepool,

It recommended that staff from the crisis team, Hartlepool LINk and Hartlepool Mind should attend each other’s team meetings in a bid to raise awareness.

Included in the report are two case studies. In the first, an unnamed mental health patient said: “Only recently I had to phone the out-of-hours duty team (crisis team).

“I was feeling very low, thinking about the children, in the flat on my own and I thought about ending it all.

“I rang them and they asked me if it was a real emergency. I told them how I was feeling and they said ‘can’t it wait until Monday?’ I would never phone them in crisis again.”

In the second case, another unnamed patient called the patient line after becoming annoyed by a noisy neighbour.

The patient said: “I walked out Boxing Day and went for a walk down Seaton and I thought about ending it all.

“I went to my doctors who phoned the crisis team and they asked me to go down to Sandwell Park (Hospital).

“I spoke to the crisis team and they told me to have a couple of cans and put some earplugs in.”

Christopher Akers-Belcher, co-ordinator of Hartlepool LINk, an independent body set up by the NHS to monitor local health services, was unavailable for comment when contacted by the Mail.

A spokesperson for Tees, Esk and Wear Valleys NHS Foundation Trust, which manages the crisis service, said: “We always welcome feedback from the people who use our services and the work carried out by Hartlepool LINk and Mind is very helpful.

“We received their report in July and were pleased that most of the comments were positive.

“There were occasions where people felt we hadn’t provided the service they would have expected and, although we haven’t received any complaints directly about these issues, we are looking into the concerns that were raised.”

After reading this, I was infuriated however at the same time, was quite relieved that it wasn’t just me who they had treated like utter shit. So here’s a summary of my visits to the crisis team’s lair.

Suffering from depression and violent mood swings from the age of 14 I
was eventually taken into the “care” of the crisis team last february
aged 19. I was severly depressed, aggravated, irritable, angry,
hallucinating and slowly losing touch with reality on a daily basis.
It was my mum who got in touch with them via my GP and i had an
appointment within the 4 hour guideline. Upon seeing them at 9pm they
asked me about my symptoms, how i was feeling, what stressors did i
have (the whole time barely making eye contact due to furious
scribbling.) I described the racing thoughts, severe depression,
limitless energy and how i felt like i was going crazy. They spoke
with me for a while before then saying that there was no doctor
available and that i should go home and take some temazepam which i
was previously prescribed (despite nurses not being qualified to
advise patients to take medication of which they are no longer
prescribed.)
I returned to sandwell park the next day and for a few days after my
crisis and the help and way i was treated was absolutely appalling. I
was told i was depressed and that i had anxiety issues (i had already
told them this) and they proceeded to give me useless information on
how to manage depression by exercising and doing things i enjoy (one
of the symptoms of depression is the inability to find enjoyment in
anything) and guided me through how to manage panic attacks which i
now realise i have never experienced. Due to the incompetence of the
staff in the crisis team and their patronising manner I discharged
myself from their care and went back to my GP. It was he who surmised
that i was possibly suffering bipolar disorder and requested a mental
health assessment at Stewart house outpatients clinic.
During the waiting period i became extremely suicidal and called the
crisis team again to advise them of this and they bluntly advised me
that i was no longer under their care there was nothing they could do
and ended the call. Following this phone call, in the next few days i
overdosed on antidepressants.

My mental assessment arrived and the assessing nurse advised me i
fitted the diagnostic criteria of bipolar 1 with psychosis and she
believed I was suffering a manic episode. Follow up appointments with
a psychiatrist and weekly monitoring by my community psychiatric nurse
have lead to them treating me for bipolar disorder with all of my
notes shared between stewart house and sandwell park.
On the 7th august I again went into crisis and the people around me
called the crisis line and received an answer message saying they were
closed and to call an 0845 number. They called this number and the
gentleman on the other end advised he can only give emotional support
which he doesn’t think would be enough for someone with bipolar
disorder and their best bet would be to take me to a and e. I was
taken there and the doctor also had no luck getting through to them. I
was sedated with valium and sent home to try again the next day.

The next day came and as the Valium wore off, The day before started
to repeat itself all over again. My mum rang the crisis team who told
me to come down within the hour. I obliged only to be sat in front of
the most comical pantomime which basically sums up sandwell park. The
2 nurses sat and asked me how i was feeling. I was still reeling and
could barely put my situation into words. I asked them what they could
do to help, one of them held his hands up and shook his head saying “I
have no idea”. They then advised me that there was no doctor available
so i couldn’t be given any medication or even be seen and they
followed this with “and we don’t think a and e would be too pleased to
see you a second night in a row.” Fuming, I walked out of sandwell
park, rammed a fistful of previously prescribed antipsychotics down my
throat and passed out with sedation in a bid to slow everything down.

Due to these experiences, I will no longer call the crisis team
EVER!!! As they belittled me, patronised me and weren’t helpful in the
slightest. I have been made to feel a fool and will subsequently
refuse to attend a and e voluntarily.

For people who are supposed to be there in someones extreme time of
need, they are enough to push even the sanest of people over the edge
and something seriously needs to be done to improve this service.

In mood news, i’m low end hypomanic. Currently in Hull after an impulse to go and visit some friends who are at uni there. Stayed up drinking and laughing till 10am and all in all having a well needed break.

L

Hypo”manage”ia

I am crawling the walls, floor and ceiling. It’s not the nice, happy, giddy everything has a shimmer and is fantastic feeling anymore. It’s dark, irritating, consuming and it’s changing me. I can’t sit still… I want to be everywhere and nowhere.

I am SICK SICK SICK of the mental health services. They’ve stuck me on Lamictal which seems to be doing sweet F*** All except knock me that little bit more mental. My skin is crawling, my thoughts are transient and I can’t seem, to quell the wanderlust within me.

I haven’t blogged for a while due to being hypomanic as fuck and constantly fuming at something.

I made a stop start video the other day… I seem to have had a fleeting creative streak:

Hope everyone is doing well.

L

Photography – Breaking and Entering

Today me and some friends decided to break into an old abandoned mansion in our town to take photos.

Here’s the slideshow:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/52543756@N04/

L

Look what happens when i don’t sleep.

As I sit and gulp the morning air, to my heart’s concerto of deep despair,

I dare not think of what’s to come, synaptic flares my wit undone.

The poison, the venom of my mind’s sharp tongue, whispering “look you fuck, look what you’ve become.”

A shadow, a ghost, an emotional wreck, one need not wonder why your life’s a mess.

The inferno is calling, i’m spiralling down,  to a seat beside Apollyon amidst burning white towns.

His face I can recognise, i’ve seen it before, amidst static candescence, held fast by Lenore.

Serpents, they fall from the mouth of no voice, his words in my head, my soul’s own choice.

Say “look you fuck, look what you’ve become, your soul is mine, it won’t be long.”

He lingers in my mind, he’s constantly there, my emotions his temple, my weakness his lair.

Not sleeping for days, he’s spurring me on, with whispers from minions, so far from Zion.

Eternal fire my fuel, I cannot stop, his plaything, he watches as I run amock.

As eternity passes in the blink of an eye, the angels arrive as I head for the sky.

With the angel Gazardiel I transition with ease, those self loathing thoughts, I begin to appease.

A celestial stream of chorus and string, brings forth pure vibrance of my talents within.

Reborn with freedom, in my universe mould, my plans unravel as I once foretold.

Euphoria personified through celestial creation, I pass the limit of divine innovation.

As I reach infinity, he starts to conspire, to drag me down to his carnal mire.

His claws that rip and grasp and twist, pull me once more from that eternal bliss.

I’m fearing now that Eblis awaits, with the head of a goat and his lustrous gait.

Whispering “look you fuck, look what you’ve become, I’ve made you a bullet, created a gun.”

I need to get my thoughts out…

I dont remember when i stopped sleeping but it ties in with when my pdoc gave me the wrong prescription so now i have no access to seroquel and i can’t seem to get more pills off them. They call me, i miss the call, i call them they’re busy. On and on on and on on and on on and on on and on on and on on and on on and on on and on on and on on and on on and on on and on on and on on and on on and on on and on on and on on and on.

I’m climbing the walls. I have too much energy, thoughts racing, i feel sick constantly, I don’t know who i am.

Things going through my head:

The riff from the game left for dead has pounded through my head non stop for days. Keep half expecting a horde of zombies to come raging through the doors. This is to the point where i’m feeling nervous on my own and it’s quite scary.

There  is so much i need to do but i can’t concentrate on important things and play on ipad apps instead and get lost firing birds at green bear things for ages.

My heart feels like it has been ripped out. It has since i left J but it’s more pronounced at the moment. It physically hurts.

I’m snapping, shouting at my mum, then feeling bad. Trying to act like i’m okay with my dad and he knows i’m not right.

My housemate’s mum asked him if i was a manic depressive – Am i that obvious? How are people perceiving me?

Interactions with people are forced i feel like i’m pouncing on people then talk about nothing.

I don’t want to take my pills. They have made me lose the past 3 months.

I want to talk to everyone that i’ve hurt. Tell them i’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. They won’t believe me. I’m manipulative, I knew what i was doing.

I’m scared of sleep deprivation but I can’t shut off. I’m scared the murderers might return and i ring my mum in terror. I’m scared the ghost grabs me on the landing. I’m scared the ceiling will close in, the whispers will start. People will hang themselves in reflective surfaces. Satan will come back. He’s been in my mind for days now. Lingering.

I’m scared that if i stop i won’t be able to start again. If i lay down I’ll spend days in bed.

I’m crying but not feeling upset and laughing when i feel like crying

People are in my way. Stopping me from thinking, there’s something i need to do but they’re distracting me.

I feel alone.

People don’t understand why i won’t sleep. They don’t understand i can’t. They think I’m a freak.

I want a motorbike. I’ve planned out how I can swap my car. My mum thinks i’m stupid. I’ll save money.

I need to drive somewhere far, but i’ll have a police car sent after me. I’ll have to explain why, then i’ll be told i can’t drive like this.

The whispering from the song “Obsessions” by marina and the diamonds is going over and over in my head. Just chose something, something, something.

The part from A sorta fairytale music video by tori amos where adrian brody whispers i love you in her ear and she whispers i love you too in return.

The riff from that muse song that sounds like CALL ME!

My Mum wants me to ring the crisis team. They know too much about me and documented it wrong. They can twist anything and i’ve already pissed them off.

Sounds are roaring, deafening. Cars going past sound like jets. Electrical buzzing a swarm of flies. My heart, a racehorse.

I’m shaking. My body is resisting me but my mind won’t let it. Pushing me further and further faster and faster.

I’m forgetting everything. Losing things, zoning out on people. Interrupting them.

People aren’t going fast enough. It annoys me. I feel bad.

I’m out of breath and sweating constantly.

I wake up every hour and can’t rest yet feel like i’ve slept for days.

My skin is prickling.

I’m going hot and cold.

There’s so much more i should be doing but i can’t think what. It’s annoying me.

Blog On Hold

Feeling increasingly paranoid as of late which has lead me to taking my blog down.

I don’t know if i’ll bother again.

Thanks for the support.

L