An entry of gratitude

June 18, 2016

Today I am grateful for many things. Heres a few.

  1. I woke up feeling okay for the first time in weeks. I have been productive and have quite a bit of energy compared to how I have been.
  2. I have great friends. A good one visited me today to see how I was getting on and to sort out a dance routine. Think we got it! ūüėÄ All of my friends are very supportive and don’t know what I’d do without them.
  3. My Mum, since the death of my Dad and even before she has been a rock.
  4. Dancing. Dancing is full of great people with absolutely great teachers. Working with each of them is so much fun as they all bring so much to the experience. The main teacher has managed to get it into my head that I actually can (sort of) dance and the two assistant teachers are just as marvellous giving me more and more confidence each week. I’m not a brilliant student, easily get stressed with myself and I’ll never win anything LOL but I still try my best.
  5. That I’ll be back at dancing tomorrow after being off due to having no energy. I have missed it but it would have killed me.

I could go on forever right now. Feeling content with life today and feeling the love.

Oh and phil… Always Phil. He deserves a paragraph to himself for putting up with my constant RBF right now.


An open letter

June 17, 2016

Dear Bipolar,

You have followed me around for so long, at least 15 years. We have had our ups, we have had our downs. You have given me so much yet so little and this letter will contain everything I want to say to you.

When you think you have kicked me to the curb gasping for air from the last panic attack, you haven’t beaten me.

You trick me. Trick me into thinking i’m not loved, not cared for and make me feel like the worst person on earth, I know you’re a liar and I don’t believe you.

You suck the life out of me, take my enjoyment from things and leave me exhausted but you will never break me.

You have offered me the chance to walk with angels and I have met the devil himself. You showed me the vibrance in life, made me see a technicolour of vivid brightness swirling around me in a way no one else will experience. You have granted me unlimited energy and boosted my creativity. You made me a genius only to reduce to me a cognitively dulled being. You still will not win.

The day you first took over me, the back of my parents car at 10 years old when you told me they didn’t love me, when you made me believe it for months was the day you started to make me stronger.

At 13 when I had to first visit the doctor because you had ground me down so low, you were starting to make me even stronger.

For every day of enjoyment you have made me lose, you have, in fact, made me the person I am today.

Those times you made me invincible and granted me happiness which some people may never know were the best days of my life. No restraint to what I could do, a brain which was limitless. This was all a lie.

You have my by the throat right now, but you won’t win.

I’ll keep fighting, I’ll keep fighting everything you bring. I am loved, people do care, what you are making me feel is reasonless, you have no power over me.

Sadly yours forever,

L

 

 


Dancing with depression…

June 15, 2016

Again I woke to that soul crunching devastation which is depression. Getting out of bed was a mammoth task and now I’m just sat watching minutes tick over as if they were hours. No motivation to do anything nor the inclination to be around people.

I dance ballroom and latin, my lesson at 3.30 was cancelled thankfully as I just don’t have the energy. I’m supposed to be there at 7 for 2 hours also but I’m going to have to pass on that. I love dancing so when I just can’t do it due to my head, it really frustrates me. I can’t paint that happy face on today, I barely managed last Sunday at rehearsal.

The exhaustion, as much as I know is in my head feels oh too real. That feeling where even making a coffee to wake you up that tiny bit more feels like climbing a mountain has set in, therefore I am just sat typing here.

It’s 12.49pm I haven’t even been up one hour. This sickens me. I feel lazy, useless and wish there was just some way I could get back into the swing of life.

I am no longer enjoying the things I normally do.

I am taking PRN lorazepam which doesn’t do much apart from ease the anxiety a little.

Anxiety in itself is awful, the feeling of crawling out of your skin, feeling desperate for it to just stop. Couple that with depression and it is just a complete killer.

I’m wondering just how many people actually like me right now. I am unreliable (I haven’t seen some friends in months) and feel like the worst person on earth right now.

Thats the thing with bipolar depression. It’s a liar. It tricks you into thinking people don’t like you, that you are the worst person in the world, that you are unworthy of anyone actually loving you. Unfortunately as much as I tell myself this isn’t the case, I can come up with a million and one reasons why it is.

So for today I don’t really know what I’ll be doing. Exhaustion is kicking my arse and I just can’t bring myself to make any plans. This seems to annoy people right now that I am just so indecisive. Even deciding if I want to go to bed at night is ridiculously irritating so I usually sit for 20 minutes before I even make the decision.

Sounds crazy… It is!

 


The black dog returns…

June 14, 2016

So right now I am going through a particularly difficult depressive episode. You know, the type where getting out of bed on a morning is impossible because you’re so tired, yet trying to get to sleep on a night is even more of a task. Constant exhaustion is crippling me and the anhedonia makes everything just seem that little bit more pointless than usual.

Yesterday was a particularly difficult day. That soul crunching feeling, that knot in your stomach which you know is going to hang around for a while seemed almost unbearable. I was supposed to be starting Lithium yesterday after pre lithium checks the week before, however, I was told that due to “paperwork” I had to wait until next Monday. Now that in itself usually wouldn’t bother me but the feeling of crawling out of your skin and intense sadness doesn’t just up and leave on its own sometimes, it needs that little chemical kick. I think I was supposed to be told¬†I had a week to wait and was expected to have been sat there like the nice little medicated patient I’m supposed to be and nodded with a borderline catatonic expression (you know like in the movies) but not today. I have waited so long to just try and feel better. Now lithium is a medication which takes time to build up in your system (key word “time”) so of course leaving it another week chops off a week of feeling better on the end of the recovery time. This annoys me.

Anyway, no lithium and ¬†a rather exasperated and patronising key worker later and now I find myself without a key worker, no lithium, a box of interim lorazepam and a head which is still reeling and a body that just doesn’t really want to do anything.

I was toying with the idea of going med free recently… The cognitive impairments are awful (i forget almost everything) and various other side effects don’t make for a good time either. I’m not sure how wise this move would have been considering I dropped the Depakote and am now lower than¬†ever. Yes I admit, fail on my part. However, now I am off it, the shakes have reduced tremendously.

Today has been bearable although as I sit and type the rot seems to be setting back in.

Have a good one!

L


Blog Rejig – Open for business

June 14, 2016

So I started this blog 8 years ago and in this time so much has changed. I am no longer the person I was then. I am stronger, more resilient, more psychologically aware and more capable of managing my illness.

My previous posts were jumbled, like a brain trying to make sense of itself all spewed out into an incoherent string of words just looking for validation that I was in some way “Sane”.

These hard times have now passed.

Back in education I feel my life is somewhat heading towards a more desired future. I have made great friends and am absolutely loving my course.

After hitting a low recently I have decided to reopen my blog and re-document the trials, highs and lows of bipolar disorder in an attempt to offer insight into the illness and how it can affect the day to day life.

So here’s my little introductory “First Post” and I look forward to keeping writing.